The Gospel of Tobias

Fragment from the recently discovered Gospel of Tobias the Gossip.
Brit.Mus. Aramaic Texts/2009/TB7791824/SZM/2020/fg.

Manuscript fragment begins:
…….then did they brush their teeth and verily, Jesus did command,” Up and down, up and down, ‘til they’re clean and shiny!”

V16. And again, verily, Jesus took two disciples and left the city forthwith. They walked to the grove of figs, and passed no one, it being about the midnight hour. Being called in those parts, the time of Motown.

V17. And Jesus saith, “Verily, most verily, let us rest here. Not for a kip, mind you, but to ponder those things of the Almighty.” The two disciples, named Constance and Felicity, sat down and heartily meditated on the Cosmos, the works of the Almighty and where the next meal was coming from, as they were skint again.

V18. “Forsooth”, said Jesus, as he stood up. “These rocks are sure hard on the bum. Perhaps I should have sat on a tussock?”

…………text missing.

V29. “Is it time?” asked Constance politely, for she had a great love of people and never wished to offend. She was the disciple nicknamed Blondie, for in surety she had long blond tresses down to her slender waist. “Yes, is it time?” Asked Felicity, respectfully, for she also was a devoted disciple. She, who was not called Blackie, but nicknamed Gothic because of her long black tresses and unshaved arm-pits.

V30. “Amen, sisters, amen and amen again. The time draws near. Now is the winter of our discontent. No, that’s another speech. Now ‘tis time to verily, heartily and truthfully be lifted up into the realms of the absolute. To encounter the mysteries. To go where no man has gone before, yea women also“.

V31. “So shall I?” saith Felicity. Jesus said, “Mmmmmmm”. He shut his eyes, lifted his right hand and scratched his head. He was deathly silent for unto ten seconds or less.

V32. And Jesus shouted “Yes, ABBA!!!”

V33. And Felicity pressed the button, and lo and behold “Super Trooper” blared across the orchard. And Jesus and his disciples did groove and gyrate to the music. Constance did shout, for the music was of high decibels, “Heavenly”, and Felicity did also shout, saying, “Awesome!”

V34. Then Jesus did henceforth cease his hip swinging and shout, “OK, babes, now we’ve checked the sound system we can get the guys and galls and start the party!”

Manuscript fragment ends.

Well I thought that was rather revealing, eh! Bob