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 My kind of doctor

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Posts : 158
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 41
Location : Tamworth

PostSubject: My kind of doctor   Thu Jun 11, 2009 3:51 pm

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a
Ride'



AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Englishmen and Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Englishmen and Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Englishmen and Americans.

4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Englishmen and Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Englishmen and Americans.

6. Algerians have almost no sex and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Englishmen and Americans.

7. Brazilians seldom stop having sex and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Englishmen and Americans.


CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

_________________
Unfortunately common sense is not all that common!!

How you treat me is your karma - how I react is mine
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