The old crones (8)

Hi Maud. Ooer, you look like you're fuming?
Too right I am. It's that bigot Mrs McGuire next door. We' just had an alteration.
A what?
An alteration. You know. A row.
Oh, you mean an altercation.
Yes that's it. Bertram got me a dictionary for me birthday and I've been reading a page a day. The story line is somewhat lacking but I get to learn new words. So altercation it is then.

Anyway me nephew Reggie was around today and I was teaching him to count. He already knows one to five so I was doing six to ten. Trouble was he couldn't get the hang of it and kept marching round the garden shouting, "sex even ate mine nun", at the top of his voice. Of course the old bag came out and said I shouldn't teach kids to say rude words. If it happened again she call the social workers.

What did you do?
I took Reggie inside and we practiced in the living room. He did ever so well, bless him. So in the afternoon we went outside again. Of course he insisted on showing how good he was, didn't he. He marched round the garden saying, "one two free four five six seven ate and nine". He kept on forgetting ten.
So I said I'd give him a cake if he could manage all the numbers.

And did it work?

Eventually. He sat on the dividing garden wall and said the numbers. But he still forgot ten. So I shouted from the house. "Say ten Reggie! Say ten! Say ten!" Of course she came out. Shouted that I was invoking the Devil and threatened to phone the vicar.
I told her not to be so damn stupid and that her eczema would definitely get much worse if she didn't shut up. She went inside, put a crucifix on the patio door and drew the curtains! Of course, once she'd gone inside he counted to ten perfectly. I'm beginning to wonder if he did it deliberately.

Well, you know what they say Gladys?
No, what do they say?
I've lost me train of thought now. Something about never counting with chickens if you're crossing a bridge. Anyway, let's have a nice cup of Jack Daniels and a couple of Hobnobs.